8.18.2007

Poetry from Spam

Updated on 10.27.07

I have an e-mail box at a college where I teach. Every time I log on I find dozens of unsolicited messages squirming there. Honestly, I had no idea there was such an epidemic of minimally endowed men with bad credit in need of erectile help, more hair and second mortgages. Then a funny thing happened, my inner poet saw the messages in a different light. Now I love that junk mail! Some of it still creeps me out, though. All phrases are real, taken from the subject line. As you can see, this poetry section has been growing longer. (No, not that way.)

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The Penis Monologs . . . . (10.27.07)
Tired of being ashamed of your penis?
We are here for you and your penis
Don’t be an average man
Be a real man with a real penis
Big dick is not a dream anymore
Trust our wonder medicine and your penis
No surgeries!
Don’t wait! Make your penis bigger!
Become the biggest guy
Get a massive confidence boost
Feel the difference
Your life will be better
Manster!
Russell’s vast phallus
Megadik
Steven’s massive schlong
Still have doubts about penis size?

Now it’s a snap.
Your new penis is waiting for you .........................................................................

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Just Asking. . . (8.29.07)
How are you?
Are you confident in bed?
Can’t afford medications you need?
Why can’t you?
Query:
How big do you want to be?
Seriously, how big…
Don’t you want to know?
Why don’t you?
What do you need?
Are you achieving total pleasure?
Don’t you want more than this?
How much do you think you should pay?
Please reply

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Free shipping any amount. . . (8.27.07)
Best deals are here
What do you need?
Stamina
Herbal vitamins
Pleasure toys
More hair
Pictures
Britney????
Don’t pay too much
Everything 50% off
Get it delivered to your home
Without leaving your chair
Free shipping any amount
You should check it
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Friends he accumulated. . .(8.26.07)
Hot
Best
Large
Magic
Better
Larger
Longer
Massive
Acrobat
X-tra size
Bea Harde
Seymour Dick
Velazquez C. Dick
Edmund @ viagra.com
.
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Flexible Positions. . . (8.19.07)
Get into shape
Flexible positions
Fine Arts Faculty Positions
Expanding their circle
Get big
Experience creative . . .
Get bigger
Experience like no other
I help you
I show you how far the rabbit hole goes
Where you fit in
Information especially for you
Info zum
Do you measure up?
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The way it works… . . . (8.15.07)
Wassup
You ask me about this game
The way it works…
Just a few cents, really
Best Deal
Xtra size
Biggest ever
Much longer than average
Massive
Don’t take my word for it
Doctor approved and recommended
Over 1,500,000 bottles sold
Yes
Magic
.
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Message for You . . . (8.14.07)
Colleague sent you a postcard
Holiday ecard
No subject
Friend sent you a greeting card
A Friend Confides. . .
Don’t you want to know?
What Paris knows…
Query
Query
Query
Important
Don’t you want to know?
Y Don’t U?
xoxo Britney
.
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Pharmacy Paradise . . . (8.12.07)
Capsules, tablets, liquid
Medication to Your Door
Cheapest medication
Cheapest here
Cheapest anywhere
Don’t pay more
Pharmacy Paradise
Vi-8-alis
Ci-agra
GOLD!
Virility as never befoe
5% off the price
Good Time
Better ZZZZs
.
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Magic Stick. . . . (8.9.07)
How are you?
Wanna be like me?
University Degree in Economics
Really high wages
Why don’t we meet?
Enjoy with you hard stick
Magic stick
A pretty-pretty fly
Anything you want
Gold
Rolex
Vi-alis
Guaranteed investment
Anything else?
.
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Very-very Magic Stick. . . . (8.11.07)
BBC News reports…
Very-very magic stick
$2.00 per pill
Don’t pay more
Important
Get more energy
30 pills $89.95
Don’t pay more
Important: Massive
Womens Luv You
Paradise in your bed
All night long
Message from:
Velasquez C. Dick
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Be Confident and Stand Tall . . . (8.03.07)
Hello
Message from Wanda:
Be the most confident man in town
No more being shy of your manhood

Significantly increase penis length
Bigger, really
Harder than ever!

Size without surgery
Then after a month or two you will
Get more energy
Be totally free of debt
Did you know that?
XXX Pictures!
FYI: Only Here
.
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No Side Effects. . . (8.03.07)
Life changing Herbal pills, just a few cents
The thing that convinced me was
No side effects
Our Doctor-Approved Pill Will Expand, Lengthen And Enlarge
I liked it and you will too
Cheap medication

You save $369
Why pay more?
Why wait when you can . . .
Control your weight
Eliminate belly bulge without exercise
Meet and charm women
No side effects!
P.S. Donna sends her regards
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Time is Running Out . . . (8.03.07)
Polite request:
Get Rich
Suggestion:
Regrow your hair
Save big on your mortgage:
Bad credit welcome
Not earning enuf?
Get hard stay hard

Tired of growing old?
Turn back your body’s biological time clock
No gimmicks
No obligation
Time is running out
Please fill in the required information
.
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Haiku
For these I'm using the spam subject lines as well as some of the "senders'" names. For the last one, "Complete Ecstasy," I drew from the whole message (how could I not?)
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Young, Rich and Bourgeois. . .(8.27.07)
Dwayne Young, Barton Rich
Friends he accumulated
Hillary Bourgeois

Change Everything . . . (8.8.07)
No more feeling down
Womens used to laugh at me
Rolex Britney Sex

Hi There! . . . (8.8.07)
Hello. Chat with you?
You’ll feel better right away
Wanna see my pics?


Complete ecstasy . . . (8.8.07)
We shall in no way
Be obliged to clarify
Any of these claims

10 comments:

Karen Gimbel said...

I've always had a penchant for "found poetry", and totally enjoyed these offerings!

Thanks, Joanne, to your inner poet, and thanks for sharing them on your blog! I will be passing them along in my world - giving you full credit of course!

And now when I see junk mail I will think of this most delightful reframing and chuckle instead of grimace!

Bill said...

It's kismet, I tell ya. I was just commenting to my wife Linda yesterday about the truly amazing spam I've been getting lately. I even had to share some of it with my writer friends. Let's take back our inboxes and convert them to poetry! It's the ultimate renewable resource. ;-)

Bill Womack

David said...

Joanne, one of my friends at Art & Perception linked to your cyberpoems. These are wonderful!

Heidi said...

I love these! Being a yahoo user I get tons of these and some of them are truly unique. One that has stayed in my mind - "sex with grandma okay or not okay". I may try your poetry idea!

Martha Marshall said...

Thanks for the belly laugh today, Joanne! Looks like the makings of an installation piece to me. Can't you just see this in neon on four walls, ceiling and floor?

Christopher said...

Hi Joanne!
Its been awhile since I stopped by your blog, but I was amazed to find this topic on Spam and your use of it! I just started a new series of paintings where I incorporate the subject lines and "from" names of my SPAM folder into encaustic... I'll have to send you a few photos / links. The first of the series sold in a bidding war at my dealer's gallery yesterday - hooray! :-)

Joanne Mattera said...

Hey, Chris--
Send a URL to your images so we all can see them.

Christopher Meredith said...

Hi again Joanne!
Here's a quick link to photos of one of the paintings, named "add three inches" from the title of a SPAM message, haha.

More are in the works - I'll have to email you some of the fun ones :-)

A small one is on my website here:
http://www.wax-arts.com/wax/newimg/gallery-img/Add-Three-Inches_big.jpg

And a high-res image (below) is 1200px Wide x 905px High:
http://www.mickmeredith.com/mick/img/11-18-07-ArtShow/Add-Three-Inches_big.jpg

Martha Marshall said...

Christopher, that is brilliant! And beautiful.

Mededeler said...

Hi Joanne,
I agree, it's pure poetry. Unfortunately I get less spam now.
I also got inspired and made a poetic booklet with just spam subject lines, which you can find at my website