The Sarah Palin Collection

"When fascism comes to America, it will be wrapped in a flag and carrying a cross."
--Sinclair Lewis

When I saw this picture and quote on Face Book, I immediately shared it. (Source: Robert Schaefer's photo album)

My buddy Max Carlos Martinez, commented, "Can I buy that outfit at Target?"
That started me thinking: What if there were a Sarah Palin Collection at Target? I'm guessing it might look something like this:

. A red, white and blue palette for everything from bargain parkas to too-expensive suits (you need a credit card from the GOP for the suits)
. Rectangular eyelass frames (problem: the only size they come in is "myopic")
. A line of crosses, including: christian cross, crossbow, double cross, and Levi-I'm-not-happy-about-you-at-all-no-sir.

For the home: bearskin rugs with gen-u-wine-Palin bullet holes, a double-wide freezer especially for those big ol' moose steaks, and a special wine from the Palin Estates, Chateau de Mobile Homme.

For the desk, or what Palin might refer to as "that write-y thing"--there's a Palin to English dictionary.

There will be a complete line of snow mobiles. The Todd Palin model, heads straight out of the picture. The Bristol model, heads straight for trouble. A special feature of the Sarah Palin Sno-Machine ® is that it turns only to the right, leading entire parties in circles. Look for the coupon for 50% off on Dramamine.

From the Palin gift department: a selection of fine 90% polyester t-shirts with such slogans as, My Other Car is a Motorcade, Nothing Comes Between My Daughter and Her Levis, Palin in 2012, and I Luv My Christian Grandma. A special like of halloween candy is named after the Palin children: Twig, Branch, Bark, Track, Trick and Treat.

Finally, there's the Palin telescope which --wait for it--lets you see Russia from your house.

Addendum: Oh, how could I have forgotten the cosmetic line?
. The Kiss-Ass lipsticks: Republican Red, Fascist Fuchsia, and Anti-Pinko Pink
. The You Betcha mascara: with a special wink-without-clumping formula
. The Paleo foundation makeup: It's white and tends to crack under pressure
. The perfume, Eau de Petrol: It's a bit strong. In fact you might say it reeks of oil.

All you "designers" out there: What would you add to the Sarah Palin Collection?


Anonymous said...

Hilarious! You are so clever -- I almost wish I diidn't get this -- but the fact that I do means she's in the "news" and I'm following it, heaven help me.

* said...

The products you've listed sound right, but wouldn't she be an even better fit with Walmart, brand-wise?


Joanne Mattera said...

@Ken: Yes, normally Wal-Mart would be the perfect fit, but click onto "Target," which I've now put in red. The CEO donated a substantial sum to anti-gay causes.

Mead McLean said...

There would most surely be a doll with a pull-string that spouts out the latest party-line rhetoric.

Joanne Mattera said...

@ Mead: Oh, yes, indeed. The pull-string doll. Maybe a line of hand puppets, too?

diana green said...

Target has taken an increasingly conservative slant in the last couple years. Here in MN, they have made substantial donations to the campaign off Tom Emmer.
So my caution: don't give them ideas.

* said...

Joanne-- Yeesh, I see what you mean about Target. Thanks for catching me up.


C. L. DeMedeiros said...

we don't hope that
America walk backward,
but my partner is very afraid of that debil moronic evil puppet doll.

Our plan B is move to Brazil
and drink coconut water all day


Gale said...

You forgot the entire lipstick on a __________ (fill in animal of your choice - pig, pitbull,etc.) line of cosmetics to go with the line you listed. And what about the going rogue line of knives for stabbing your foolish-for-picking-you running mate in the back?

Linda and Michelle said...

I absolutely LOVE this!!! Great humor. Unfortunately I love in Arizona, so there aren't a lot of people I can share this with...but Sarah no doubt would need to have some anti-immigrant comments in her portfolio.....

Unknown said...

How about Palin approved "Pro America" small town certificates?

Anonymous said...

"When fascism comes to America, it will be wrapped in a flag and carrying a cross."
--Sinclair Lewis

A very scary thought!

annell4 said...

I'm thinking it would not be complete without that "cute and cuddly" Teddy Bear, transformed with a tag around it's neck, the Moma Grizzle. And of course, the very fasionable, and "looks good" on everyone, very stylish waders. Love your post, you are the smartest girl in the class! Thanks for the chuckle.

Carol Diehl said...

Very funny! But I'd rather not give her any more attention than she deserves!

Suzanne DesRosiers said...

This is just way too much fun! I am thinking of you writing these clever thoughts and wondering how many times you peed your pants because you were laughing so damn hard. Are you preppin' for Last Comic Standing? Thanks for the laughs!

deborah from collagewhirl said...

Your post is a breath of fresh air! Now if only middle America could get it about what their Darling Sarah really is...

Joanne Mattera said...

Thanks, All.

@Carol: You are right. She shouldn't be given any more attention. But sometimes the need to mock trumps all other considerations.

Scott Schuldt said...

Sarah Palin signature moose jewel key rings, necklaces and earings. (a moose jewel is a varnished moose turd)

Joanne Mattera said...

Moose jewels! Who knew? For the signature piece, I'm thinking a GOP elephant encrusted with moose jewels. Of course the elephant would have feet of clay.

Binnie said...

All this is just too funny!but so sad because it's all true. The moose jewel encrusted elephant...could be a group project...the size of a parade float. Material for your next book!or hosting SNL!

Anonymous said...

It's an common and obvious ploy of both parties to keep the most ridiculous personality of the opposing mindset in the spotlight to distract from their own stupidity.